The Martyr

My dad said to me that he's learned finally to not place your trust in any person, any human... because ultimately they are likely to let you down. Seems pessimistic, huh? Well, let me dissect that statement, because really it offers true, unaffected hope.

Humans are worthless, depraved people. Let's face it. We are selfish and constantly concerned with our reputations. I am none the wiser or stronger than anyone else in this matter. I seek approval, I seek acceptance... and that is God-given. The catch: I search for it, too often, not in God but in other people, things, ideas. I trust in those things. I place faith and belief in those things. To what avail?

I've been in an unbelievable tailspin this summer. My faith has been shattered. At times, I have felt irreconcilable. Lots of frustration, lots of questions, lots of heartache, and this was all spurned from me placing that trust in a person, an idol. Under the guise of a spiritual leader, I attempted, as best as I knew how, to help, and at times drag, another person along. The emotional and spiritual tax of doing this proved to be immeasurable when the whole relationship was pulled out from under me like a rug. It provided some clarity, by default. I was forced to see some of the holes in scheme, the kinks in the chain... but I truly felt like a martyr. And therein, miraculously, lies my comfort, my peace. I spent so much of myself on this, that when it ended, there was no growth left for me. I took 7 or 8 steps backwards. However, the peace I have found is knowing that my efforts were not in vain because they caused growth in that other person. They encouraged change in another life, and though mine was shambled, there was a benefit to all of it, and that's kind of point, isn't it?

So, going back to the trust thing and my father's brief but potent statement, I pray you can see now that the hope I see in it is that our trust, placed in our heavenly Father's hands, is in every way the right location for it to be. That realization is what drove my dad's thoughts. Who cares if others let you down? There is always a God who is seeking an active relationship with you, and challenging you, and by the way, He is perfect, so don't worry about mistakes on His end, only you will make them, and He will forgive you from them every time. Without fail or ceasing.

Mark it. It's time to stop asking questions that don't matter. I am so content to feel like I am finally coming out of the valley...